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Written by Maud Dromgoole. Blinking Light in association with Bakehouse Theatre Company. KXT on Broadway. 17 Apr – 2 May, 2026.

How far would you go to live an ecologically ethical life? British playwright Maud Dromgoole has fun with the hypocritically idealistic fringe-left and the psychotic devotion of parents-to-be in the reality-stretching 3 Billion Seconds.

Daisy (Izabella Louk) and Michael (Victor Y Z Xu) are having a baby. In their eyes, this is a bad thing. They’re both population activists, and bringing a baby into the world is a big commitment — not to mention a huge carbon footprint. So to justify bringing a new human, who will spend the next 90 years consuming resources, into this world, they set about trying to balance the cosmic scales, banking their own extreme version of “carbon credits” to put themselves in the moral black.

What starts as a college rom-com of two young, politically active performers trying to change the world one community hall at a time pushes itself into a manic state. The title, 3 Billion Seconds, refers to the estimated total lifespan of a person born today. So to offset the impending carbon debt of their unborn child, Daisy and Michael need to bank an equal number of credits in advance — more than they can manage by simply reducing their personal output. About halfway through, they start making increasingly extreme choices to hit their goal.

The mid-show pivot, which comes out of the blue, threatens to derail the evening. It lacks set-up, but it pushes the show into fun new territory. Once you simply accept it, 3 Billion Seconds becomes a high-concept black comedy — think 90s indie films like The Last Supper or Shallow Grave. If you’re the kind of Marvel movie fan who thought “Thanos has a point” – you’ll enjoy playing in this moral grey space.

Both Louk and Xu play their roles large to meet the tone, addressing the audience in synchronised narration. Thankfully, both performers have a charm that breaks through some of the more artificial set-ups, giving their angst — if not a convincing natural grounding, then at least a nod in the direction of real human behaviour.

Director Dominique Purdue (recently seen performing in Perfect Arrangement at New Theatre) primes us for the increasingly incredulous turns by placing the show in a heightened, abstract space. Mia MacCormick’s set — a sandpit with half-buried furniture, like the inside of an hourglass with grains of sand slipping away — is given real versatility by sharp lighting and omnipresent sound cues (lights: Caity Cowan; sound: Cameron Smith). It’s an exciting directorial debut, full of vision and invention. A tighter grasp on the script’s comedic timing would heighten it further, but on the whole it shows an abundance of promise.

Dromgoole’s script — funny, outrageous, and pointed in its critiques — fights against itself to tell an equally entertaining story. The more it leans into magical realism, the harder it is to trust its ecological facts. It’s hard to know where the exaggerations begin or end, meaning the play’s good intentions get lost in the mix of laughs and shocks.

While its satire has a somewhat blunt edge, 3 Billion Seconds is a fun, engaging, and wildly entertaining look at the impossible task of living an ethical life in the modern world. It’s well worth spending around 5 thousand seconds — that’s just under 90 minutes — in the theatre watching it.

Written by Sandy Rustin. Additional material by Hunter Foster and Eric Price. Based on the Paramount Pictures Motion Picture screenplay by Jonathan Lynn. Based on the Hasbro board game Clue. John Frost for Crossroads Live. Theatre Royal. Till 10 May, 2026.

A play based on a film based on a board game — it’s not the kind of pedigree that bodes well if you’re interested in quality theatre. But give it enough rope, and Cluedo: The Play might just surprise you!

Six people in England have been invited to a secluded country mansion by the mysterious Mr Boddy (Joshua Monaghan). They’ve each been given a pseudonym for the night: there’s the alcoholic Mrs Peacock (Genevieve Lemon), the devious Mrs White (Rachael Beck), the lascivious Professor Plum (David James), the bumbling Reverend Green (Lawrence Boxhall), the dimwitted Colonel Mustard (Adam Murphy) and the seductive Miss Scarlet (Olivia Deeble). They are greeted by the Butler, Wadsworth (Grant Piro) and “French Maid” Yvette (Lib Campbell). The only things that connect them are the fact they all live in, or around Westminster, and they’re all being blackmailed by Mr Boddy — and he has a murderous game planned to throw a spanner into their evening.

What follows is a backstabbing, Knives Out drawing-room farce, that runs at full pace the second starting pistol is fired, with the guests desperately trying to solve an ever increasing number of murders. It’s scintillatingly silly, relentlessly high energy and choreographed within an inch of its life.

If you’re familiar with the 1985 comedic flop-turned-cult-classic film Clue, from which this wholeheartedly takes its plot and the bulk of its dialogue, then you’ll be in familiar slapstick territory. It’s one of my top ten favourite movies, the most rewatchable kind of comedy — full of camp excess and ridiculous plotting, plus one of Madeleine Kahn’s all-time great performances. Here the action has been relocated from America to “Downton Stabby” England and you’ll barely notice the difference.

All the big moments from the film are recreated on stage (some work, some land like a lead pipe) and the whole thing owes a massive debt to Jonathan Lynn’s original witty dialogue and character work. That’s not to take away from the surprising elegance of its translation to the stage. Each scene and comedic beat has been reconfigured to work as theatre, not just lazily slap an iconic scene on stage (I’m looking at you, Pretty Woman: The Musical!) And the new additions work well.

The cast have the energy of an improv troupe all trying to out-stage one another. Grant Piro runs a marathon as Wadsworth — both verbally and physically. Adam Murphy stands out as the comically idiotic Colonel Mustard, as does Lawrence Boxhall in his high-intensity turn and Lib Campbell’s playfully sexy Yvette (don’t worry, some of the film’s more dated aspects have been removed). Rachael Beck has the unenviable task of playing Mrs White, the role made iconic by Madeleine Kahn, and wisely doesn’t try to imitate her style.

James Browne’s set design holds marvellous tricks up its (multiple) sleeves and Jasmine Rizk’s lighting and Sean Peters’ sound have a field day with the horror tropes. Director Luke Joslin keeps the comedy tight — this whole show is more like watching a well-oiled musical be performed, with precise choreography and impeccable timing.

The essence of the film’s original alternate endings is preserved. When in cinemas, each individual cinema was given one of three different endings. When released on VHS and DVD the three endings were put together. Here… well I won’t spoil it, but it does start to rival Lord of the Rings: The Return of the King for the length of the finale. I did find myself getting exhausted by the gags. Not because they weren’t funny, but because they were unrelenting.

I walked in with my expectations in the “low but optimistic” range and was happy to discover a show that wasn’t just a cash-grab with a brand name, but a riotous tribute to the film. It may not be able to hold a candlestick to the original, but it definitely takes a very good shot at it!