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Book & lyrics by Shaun McKenna and Matthew Warchus. Music by A.R. Rahman, Värttinä and Christopher Nightingale. Australian Premiere. State Theatre, Sydney. Jan 7 – Feb 1, 2025.

Lord Elrond, bearer of the Elven-ring Vilya and master of Rivendell, looks at the group before him: four hobbits, a wizard, an elf, a dwarf, and two human men.

“Nine companions… so be it,” he says, reaching down to pick up his… trombone? Wait, what? “You shall be the Fellowship of the Ring.”

This is The Lord of the Rings: A Musical Tale, a new reworking of the 00s West End kinda-flop. This three-and-a-half-hour show condenses the epic book trilogy into a single musical. We’ve got all your favourite moments from the films… err, I mean books: the jolly little hobbits, haughty elves, silly wizards, scary wizards, the Balrog, Shelob, and a singing Gollum. It’s a lot, even for someone who’s been to a lot of comic-cons.

As a fan of The Lord of the Rings in almost all its forms — J.R.R. Tolkien’s books, the Peter Jackson trilogy, the Rings of Power TV show, and even the original version of this musical — writing this really stings because I wanted to believe this show would be better.

I had every reason to trust that it might be. Reviews from critics and friends who had seen the new staging in England came out raving. One friend saw it four times. And one of the things I love most about theatre is its malleable, transformative nature. In the right hands, even a failure can become a hit. There is a long history of small theatres reinventing large shows to miraculous effect. That’s what I hoped had happened here — that by stripping back the complex and flabby original, this team had found a core that would resonate with the audience.

“Fool of a Took,” as Gandalf might say. I was wrong.

The Lord of the Rings: A Musical Tale is devoid of the kind of magic, literal and figurative, the story demands. Tacky, nonsensical, and self-serious — this is the kind of show that people who hate musical theatre are thinking of when they say they hate musical theatre.

Rather than fixing the problems of the original production, this staging falls straight back into the same pitfalls. It’s a bog-standard, film-to-musical adaptation with an added serving of cheap cosplay. Instead of building a narrative that would a) work within the confines of a stage show and b) tell the heart of Tolkien’s story through a new lens, we are given a montage of set pieces from the book (via the films), regardless of how ridiculous or impractical they look on stage. If you don’t already know the story, you’ll have no hope of following it here. I’m sure this staging was charming in the Berkshire countryside (it was a semi-outdoors experience) but beneath a proscenium arch, it just looks cheap.

The show stumbles at the first hurdle: Bilbo putting on the titular ring and disappearing. As poor Laurence Coy, playing Bilbo, tried to dismount a riser behind an anemic puff of smoke, you knew things weren’t going to improve. If you’re hoping for Harry Potter and the Cursed Child levels of stage magic and effects, then I’m sorry to disappoint you. The fearsome Balrog? A billowing sheet with glowing cartoon eyes. The giant pantomime spider for Shelob is marginally better, mainly thanks to the darkness. The wizards spend most of their time waving their staffs at the back of the stage trying to look like they’re doing something — I can only applaud their commitment. Welcome to the floor show at Warner Brothers Movie World.

The two things The Lord of the Rings: A Musical Tale has in abundance are camp and cringe — neither in a good way. The rivalry between the elves and dwarves comes across like a sassy run-in between preening Potts Point Botox-boys and their crunchier Inner West counterparts. The poor elves, especially, are left resorting to a lot of bored looks and insipid hand-waving to indicate their “otherness” and magic.

Meanwhile, the wizards and humans use their best Shakespearean voices to imbue the flamboyant dialogue with a vague sense of gravitas. The epic battle? A mess of incoherent movement that did nothing but add to the excessive running time. As we approached the third hour, I was rooting for Sauron to win. His eye could not have been more withering than my own.

To be clear, the problems lie with the show itself and the lack of imagination in the staging. This is, for all intents and purposes, merely a poor cousin of the original overblown misfire but the cast is giving it their all. They’re better than the West End ensemble, if I’m honest, and these aren’t easy roles to sell on stage. With the performers pulling double duty as musicians (hence Elrond’s odd trombone moment), there is no time to rest.

Rarmian Newton is fantastic as Frodo, charming until the ring starts to corrupt him. He’s a warm and appealing lead, holding the show together alongside Wern Mak’s Samwise Gamgee. The show is at its best when these two are at the centre. Their quest is the heart and soul of the story (the small people who do big, important things simply because it’s the right thing to do), and it often gets lost in the noise of subplots. Jeremi Campese and Hannah Buckley equally deliver the comedy and childish energy as Merry and Pippin (although in another odd musical instrument moment, it was weird watching Merry flee the Nazgûl with a cello on his back).

Rob Mallett manages to bring a level of dignity to the role of Strider that the West End production failed to deliver. Jemma Rix dazzles as Galadriel, even if she is mostly confined to the back of the stage belting out ethereal tunes. As much as I hate the design choices of this show, the one bright spot was the elegant Star of Eärendil that frames Galadriel. Stefanie Caccamo is wasted as the redundant Arwen. Laurence Boxhall is excellent as Gollum — well, as excellent as you can be trying to sing with a Gollum voice.

Then there’s the never-ending endings, the leather-hooded orcs in cargo pants, and the Ents! I could go on, but you get the point. Maybe this is an expectation game? Did I want more than was reasonable to expect from the show? Maybe this is all just good family fun, and I’m being a grinch, or an orc, about a silly, entertaining musical? Is there good stuff in here? Sure. The cast is wonderful, and some of the tunes are earworms. But everything else can be thrown into the fires of Mount Doom. Someone call me a giant eagle — I’m done.